Sunday, April 3, 2016

I Hope You Have Only Good Sex

I hope every single one of you (who wants to) is having really, really good sex.

And by that I mean sex without guilt or shame, where everyone involved feels safe and respected. Sex where everyone involved has their needs and wants cared for, and is celebrated as good and sacred and beautiful.

And yes, this might be sex all by yourself. That can be holy and awesome and good. In fact, I hope it's really fucking good when you have sex by yourself.

And yes, by that I do include sex that respects the promises you've made to people who might not be physically present at that moment, and people you're responsible to care for. Because they're involved too. If you need to un-promise those promises, I hope you do that first.

And if you don't want to be having any sex right now, by yourself or with others, I hope you have other experiences where you get to feel safe and yummy and comfortable in your body.

And I hope none of you feels like you have to have sex that isn't good: where you or anyone else feels guilty or yucky or disrespected or unappreciated. Never pressure anyone else into that kind of sex. You deserve to feel good in your body, but you don't "deserve" to have someone else participate unless they want to and feel taken care of too.

If anyone (a church or partner or family member or friend or anyone else,) tells you don't deserve to feel this way, good and holy and valued and respected in your body, it's ok to break off whatever relationship you have with them and give them no more power over you. If you need help to do that safely, tell me or someone else you trust.

"I hope" means that I know it isn't true or possible for every person at every time, even as I hold these up as the way I want things to be. If it isn't true for you right now, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with *you.*. I think it means there is something wrong with something you've been told or some way you're being treated.

And I hope that if I've said something wrong here about how you live in your own body, you'll tell me. I hope you won't dare to post here about how *other people* should be safe and happy in their own bodies.

This is, for me, an open expression of a deeply faith based sexual ethic. My Christian way of saying the same thing is to hope that each of you has sex in way, and only in a way, that is set free to love God, self, and neighbor. And that every time you have sex you respect the image of God in yourself and in your partner(s). That you treat yourself and every other body involved as holy, a temple, beloved by God, created beautifully, fearsomely and awesomely made.

Seriously, this Lutheran pastor hopes you have good sex, and only good sex. Unless you don't want to, and that's good too.


  1. As an ordained PC(USA) pastor, I agree completely.

  2. I love the openness, honesty and integrity of what you have shared. As a pastor who also wants to share more openly about genuine Christian/Biblical sexuality and not institutionalised sexual conformity it is great to meet a seemingly like-minded soul.

  3. I'm wondering if it would be possible to start a private FB group to discuss these more open sexual ethics from a faith perspective?